Schmnana Schmudding

I answer alot of..."special" calls at work. I think most of you should know what kind of " special" I mean. But today I was introduced to a whole new kind of special..in the mail. Normally when the mail comes it's just a matter of sorting it and stamping it with the little date stamper thingy and then of course figuring out where it needs to go. We of course, get transcripts everyday from people and because the deadline for the spring semester is drawing closer we are now starting to get personal essays from seniors in high school. It should be noted that it is not required, at least where I work, that a student send in a essay about themselves. But I happened to notice my co worker reading this essay I will rename Schmnana Schmudding. This person who shall remain nameless, went on to relate herself to that of a dessert that is common in the south. I got maybe a paragraph into it when I started laughing so hard I was wheezing. Tears began forming in my eyes as I continued to laugh when she compared her personality to that of whip cream using words like  caring, supportive and motivated. I had no idea whip cream was so supportive. Am I the only one in America that was left in the dark about whip cream being so much more then just..whipped cream? I mean who knew?! I know I can certainly be motivated to eat whip cream and I care greatly about doing so but I was completely clueless as to the wonderful personality traits of the substance! I was pounding the table in uncontrollable fits of laughter by the time I got to the part where she listed the two ingredients that really seem to stand out for her in this dessert...vanilla wafers and banana slices. Because the crunchiness of the wafers really describes her personality. Wait, I thought that was the whipped cream?
 Did you know that the banana slices provided in this dessert are bursting with flavor? And that the vanilla wafers are so palette pleasing with their crunchiness? I discovered a whole new hysterical, special world today.  It does greatly concern me however, as to the state that the younger generation is in when the only thing they can think of to compare themselves to is food. Palette pleasing, motivated, caring food.

We Are Not The Weather Channel

It was only a matter of time before I cracked. It just so happened that it was mere hours after I had told a co-worker how I keep expecting to have a bad day of some kind at the job but so far it's been smooth sailing...mostly. It wasn't until the 1000th parent called asking if the University was still holding the Open House for potential freshman even though there was going to be a hurricane. These questions were completely valid during the beginning of the week. It was still uncertain at the time where Irene was going to make landfall. I was more then happy to sweet talk the parents, and reassure them that if something were to happen the University would provide information to them about cancellations and so forth and so on. But not today. Today I took calls left and right about parents concerned about the hurricane. Do you people watch the weather? I mean seriously...it hasn't been aiming for us since like Tuesday. If I had a dollar for everytime a parent called and asked me this " I was just wondering if the Open House was still going to be going on with the hurricane?" I'd retire. Because WHAT HURRICANE? It's not even scheduled to rain on Saturday!!! GAAAAH!! And therefore I cracked. Actually I cracked before then but I still had a fighting chance before a woman called wanting me to help plan her trip by giving her this weekends weather conditions in Charleston. But first she asked me the question I already mentioned above. I was all done giving a looong drawn out explanation of how the hurricane probably wasn't going to effect us at all blah blah blah so I replied like this:
 " We're not getting the hurricane ma'am".
 " What do you mean 'we'...like South Carolina or Columbia?"
" Columbia is not getting a hurricane ma'am."
"Ok because we're driving a long way and we're actually going to making some stops in Charleston and Myrtle Beach, what does the weather look like there you think?"
" I would check the Weather Channel ma'am for that information. "
" Well could you transfer me to someone who could be a little more helpful because I just want to know what we might encounter when we come down for our visits."

We are not travel planners. We are not the effin Weather Channel. We do not know the weather in Charleston because WE'RE IN COLUUUMBIAAA. So if you want to know what the weather is going to do this weekend for Charleston or anywhere other then Columbia then use your pointer finger to turn on your tv and go to a weather related channel because WE DO NOT KNOW. If I've already told you Columbia will in no way be effected and you and your daughter will still be able to come to our Open House event then what more do you people want from me? Are you computer challenged? Do you not have a weather app on your phone? Is your tv broken? Because I can think of a million different ways to find out what the weather is going to be like then to call the admissions office of a University and bug the S*!T out of them for weather information. There. I'm done.

How to Give Your Life Story In 30 Seconds or Less...

I started a new job this past week ( YAY!!) at the University of South Carolina working in the Undergraduate Admissions Department. On my first day I had to get my parking pass which meant I had to drive to get it, then drive back down to the parking lots where I either had the option of taking the shuttle back up or walking up Mt. Everest known in Columbia as Green St. If you think you're in shape or at least maintaining, walk up the Green St. hill. I have never not panted at the top of that stupid hill. Anyways, so I get to the shuttle stop and there's this guy there. Since classes haven't started yet this semester it's rather rare to find another individual who is waiting for the shuttle at 9:30 in the morning. He wastes no time in talking. I didn't mind because I was excited about starting my new gig so I say a few words and then it happens. A whirlwind of words attacks me and in the span of what seemed like 30 seconds I heard this:

" Oh by the way my name's Steve ( not his actual name). So yeah I'm waiting on the bus because I have to go to them chem lab. Yeah that's what I'm studying is bio chemistry. I have to drive all the way from Orangeburg I don't get out of here till like 6 and by the time I get home it's not till like 8 or something and then I let the dog out and all that. "

Me: " Wow that's a long day."

Steve: " Yeah, and this is my second time being back in school. I went the first time but then I got a brain tumor. It took up most of my brain and I had to have chemo then radiation. But I'm fine now. I'm moving in my new apartment this weekend. The reason I'm 32 and still staying with my parents was because I was trying to get back on my feet. But I got a roommate now. We had some problems with another one of our roommates because when we signed the lease we thought we were going to get the third bedroom too. But we didn't because the landlord decided to rent out that third bedroom. The guy wanted the downstairs bedroom but I told him no way because I was there first. I have ADD if you couldn't tell. Yeah I'm one of those nerds that plays video games all day. I've been playing since I was like 5. But I know how to socialize too. I have like 3 girlfriends. I just try and show people that just because someone likes playing video games doesn't mean they can't have a life too yah know?"

Me: I think the bus is late.....

It takes alot for me to be surprised at what comes out of Kenny's mouth these days. Especially when we're out in a store for example. I'm used to the " Mommy I'm a big boy now, I need some oomaloons" ( balloons). Or " Mommy come see what I found!" and my favorite '"Aww Mommy, this flamingo is special to me...I have it? Meeeease?"
He is often entertaining those around him while standing in line with his enthusiastic conversations with himself. He is of course, completely oblivious to this. So we went in a store to get some general supplies today and we went through all the things I mentioned above. The excitement of Batman bubble bath was enough to appease the toddler and we made it in line without any whining. He, like any child, sees something while standing in line and wants to go over and check it out. And me, like any mother, calls as quietly but as firmly as possible to " come over here." So while I'm calling for him to get back in line he stops and looks at the gentleman in front of us as if he had pushed his way in line and says " oh...go ahead."  The man in front of me looked at me and all I could say was " Did he just tell you to go ahead?" He nodded and I buried my head in my hands. Apparently he thought he was being really gracious. It did show great use of manners at least :). I think I stood in line laughing until  I was heading out the door. I actually don't remember but it seemed like a long time. Maybe this is only funny to me, or one of those cases where you have to be there to fully get it. But if you happen to have a three year old give you permission to " go ahead" maybe it'll give you a good laugh :).